[enigmawing]

Warning. . . this is not in any way erotic, nor is this even any kind of attempt at a story, it's simply an edited version of something I wrote in my blog last night (which I prefer to keep private) and is very real.  I'm not even sure why I wanted to share this particular entry. . . maybe because my contributions to the corner have been few and far between?  Maybe I just feel the need to get this out to a larger audience?  Or maybe I just wanted to offer an explanation why I'm gonna be really out of it for a while.  Anyway, I find it very theraputic to write and do so quite often, but it's mostly autobiographical and is only read by a handful of people if at all.

Further warning. . . the subject matter is indeed depressing but hopefully has a positive message at the end, so read at your own risk.

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I had a dream about the girl that was once my best friend last night, that we were talking as if none of this "betrayal" crap had ever happened between us.  Coupled with another dream I had about meeting some online friends, it got me to wondering about how I've been doing lately, that maybe I've been sheltering myself too much from the outside world.   But I pushed it all out of my head so I could get to my work.

Another friend mentioned Metallica last night, and it made me miss my copy of the black album.  I decided to download "Nothing Else Matters" as I debated over what project to start on next.

But then my ex-best friend sent a text message to Lock's phone as she had a few days before, having no other way to get a hold of me short of actually calling, and to be honest I didn't really want to deal with it.  I couldn't handle any more of her seemingly meaningless, casual apologies.  More annoyed than hurt this time around, I sent her a message to let her know I was here.  To my surprise, the phone started ringing about five minutes later.

It's been what, two-and-a-half months now since we've even spoken to each other?  I was kinda nervous to answer but when I did I found she was crying.  I asked her several times if she was alright and if she needed some kind of help as she struggled to calm down.

Funny how reality will slap you in the face like that, making you forget about all the stupid crap that probably shouldn't have mattered in the first place.  She had received word that her mom was diagnosed with cancer just minutes before.  And from the sound of it, it's not looking so good.

God damn it, why the hell does this have to happen?  Fuck.  I'd say I can't even begin to imagine what she is feeling, but I do.  And I feel so helpless.  My mind flashed back to the moment of sitting with my mom in the doctor's office, feeling numb to the doctor's apology that her cancer had came back and there was nothing that could be done.  We lost her within six extremely painful and heartbreaking months.

I was so ready to push this friend out of my life, this very dear friend that had helped me through so much, including the loss of my father to cancer.  For a while I think was quite willing to let me; she certainly didn't seem to need me anymore like I needed her.  But I've recently had the feeling that her latest apology was genuine and that she did indeed miss me, yet it was too late in my book.  I tried to convince myself that I didn't care and buried myself with distractions.  That didn't mean it still didn't hurt like hell in the rare moments I couldn't push the thought away.  The last thing I wanted to do was let myself be aware of how much I missed her, of how I feel that just about everything that's ever meant anything to me simply slips through my fingers.

And then this hits us both like a brick wall.  Her mom doesn't deserve this. Nobody does.  She's been like a second mom to me, taking me under her wing when I had no parental figure left to turn to.

We got cut off by the bad reception, and continued as best we could through more text messages.  I am so fucking pissed at myself.  Damn it, is this what it takes to put our differences aside?  She wonders why she's been so selfish.  I wonder why I've been so stubborn.  Have we come full circle?  Can I finally put all the guilt and pain I've been feeling these past six months behind me?

Once the messages stopped coming in, I noticed my download was complete. I double-clicked the title and listened to the lyrics with a new-found awareness.

Life's too short, it really is.  

~EW

5/3/06

[jaded_blue]

This is one of those posts, E, where people are hurt and sad and too stunned to form some sort of adequate reply. Perhaps because it hits so close to home for so many. Amazing how we push people away because we don't want to be hurt and then something like this brings you back to reality. Maybe realizing that what you thought would hurt is so minor compared to what is really going on. I don't know your bestfriend except through you, but I genuinely feel for her. I know what you have been through and not once have I thought you were wrong to do any of what you have done, you were not at all a mean or selfish person. Quite the opposite I would say. I don't think you need to feel guilty, that will only hinder you even more in being there for her. You'll have to push all that away so that all of you can be there when she needs you. I am very sorry that this is happening. If you need me, you always know where to find me. I love you honey.

Blue

[_Scribbleskillz_]

Quote

This is one of those posts, E, where people are hurt and sad and too stunned to form some sort of adequate reply. Perhaps because it hits so close to home for so many. Amazing how we push people away because we don't want to be hurt and then something like this brings you back to reality. Maybe realizing that what you thought would hurt is so minor compared to what is really going on. I don't know your bestfriend except through you, but I genuinely feel for her. I know what you have been through and not once have I thought you were wrong to do any of what you have done, you were not at all a mean or selfish person. Quite the opposite I would say. I don't think you need to feel guilty, that will only hinder you even more in being there for her. You'll have to push all that away so that all of you can be there when she needs you. I am very sorry that this is happening. If you need me, you always know where to find me. I love you honey.

Blue

Couldn't have said it any better.  we are here for ya E with open ears and welcoming hearts.

Scribbleskillz

[JAMM]

Reading ew's post, I decided to write one myself, here it is.

Life really is too short.....or I wanna ride again
Journal Entry: Fri May 5, 2006, 8:06 AM
Listening to "Where'd ya go" by Fort Minor.

Often life is compared to a roller coaster, and now more than ever I believe it is just that. It has all of the elements if you really think about it.
It has it's rise to the top that is often a slow one and takes too long, it has the fast plunge back to the bottom, it has quick turns and even loops, and sometimes they even change direction completely and go backwards!
Sure there are some that you sit in, some that you stand on, some that you hang from and even some where get you wet! But with almost all of them, when you come to a stop and the "ride" is over..... it's too short and you want to ride again.

My heart is heavy today and it's for two people I've never met, surely they're story is that of the roller coaster.

We received announcements that a friend of the family was getting married! He was a long time and very close friend to my wifes brother and joy filled everyone's heart for the newley to be wed!

Time moved forward and the wedding day was near, I remember how I felt the day before I got married... but unsettling news would stir emotions in yet a different direction. The day before the wedding we got an e-mail from my wifes brother about his friend. He sounded so upset, he was reaching out to everyone he knew in every way he could to find help. The groom the day before his wedding, the day before the day that would start the rest of his life............ was diagnosed with cancer.

The cancer had already moved through out his body undetected and was now in several organs....it's origination? Something common really, something often overlooked and not thought of, skin cancer. Damage caused by the suns rays that had done irrepreable damage now was posed as a killer. The Groom and the Bride continued with the wedding. My wife and I did not have the opportunity to attend due to work and school, I'm not sure if i can even imagine how they felt that day, but I do hope despite all that weigh on them, that they managed to have a wonderfull day.... just as it should have been. They decided to forgo the honeymoon though, so they could start treatment as soon as possible. They had found a Doctor, a specialist in the Chicago area, hope was all they had and treatment had begun. Treatments went well from what we had heard, perhaps this would have a happily ever after.

But then, like most roller coasters..... the ride was over. We received news, the newly wed groom had passed away a mere three weeks after the wedding. My heart, heavy with grief had sunk. I could only hope that the three weeks the new couple had was the best, for I know it was not enough......
:'(
-JAMM

P.S. here's a little animated movie I like too.

http://www.pocketmov...detail_353.html

[enigmawing]

Blue- I truly must thank you for all the support you've given me these past few months. . . I'm not sure what I would have done otherwise.  Even if the subject wasn't directly at hand you found ways to make me laugh and smile.  I love you.  Thank you so much for being my friend.

Scribs- You've been inspirational to me in ways I've never even hinted at. . . thank you for being there.  

JAMM- We already discussed this in the chat, but I felt I should say something here too.  That story is so painful, but all too familiar to so many families.  The real shock of course was the amount of time they had.  My heart goes out to them.  I hope that at the very least, tragedies like these will remind us to take better care of ourselves for the sake of our loved ones.  

aperson- That's an excellent way to put it, actually.  Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment.

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I'm not even sure if this is the best area of the forum to continue this discussion, but it's all tied together to this blog I wrote. . . if any of the mods decide this thread would be more suitable in the general area, they're more than welcome to move it.

Some of you probably remember the "What do you do when life sucks" thread I started several months back.  I'd link it but apparently it got lost in a purge.  Anyway, DickUPS continued with a similar subject with this thread here: http://www.jabcomix....?num=1141479037  I always meant to contribute to that as well, but I found myself at a loss for words.  

I was afraid to write about any of this here before I started that initial "life sucks" thread, afraid certain people would find out how confused and utterly lost I felt.  As a friend once told me, there's often no one to blame when people start to go their separate ways, sometimes it's just part of life.  My dad used to refer to the quote from "Stand By Me" about how friends come in and out of your life like bus boys in a restaurant.

So yeah, I'm referring to that whole fear thing JAB touched on in that first thread.  Fear can indeed tear people apart and stands in your way of seeing things clearly, so it has to make one wonder how fear can also lift the fog and bring people back together.  Hmm. . . must be that change of perspective?

For a while there I was afraid of losing the two most important people left in my life, even reaching the point of wondering if I had to chose one over the other.  But events far beyond my control seemed to make the decision for me, cutting off my ties to one of them.  Not that I didn't struggle to hold on, but one can only do so much on their own.  Utterly heartbroken, I decided to make the best of what I still had in my life and discovered a new-found appreciation for the man I was afraid I had fallen out of love with.  And thank god for that. . . I know in my heart that it all turned out for the best and he and I are stronger than ever.  As for my friend, she eventually tried to apologize, but I was still far too hurt to accept it for what it was.

And then something like this wakes us all up.

I've offered to be there for her in any way I can.  I think that, deep down, both of us knew we would heal over time and would cross paths once again, but we have now have something much worse than ever to worry about.  

Oh, and time. . . we're lucky we still at least have that.  As I said in the first post, life is just too short.

[Jade]

These stories are the kind of soulwrenching hurt that doesn't go away.

These are the things too big for one person, the banal reminder of our sad, brief existences in life.

These are the fucked up things that take our childhood away, one tear at a time, and there's nothing we can do to stop them.

One day, one too many of these stories will touch my life... and I'll put away the porn, and I'll put away the games, and I'll quietly finish college, and then fade away...  

It's my greatest fear, and the single reason I am motivated to reach out and touch individuals who, like me, are in touch with the exotic and extreme, the things that make this community what it is.

:cry:

[enigmawing]

Jade-

I guess it's just one of those things we all have to deal with at some time or another, and we all find our own ways to cope.

Me?  I tend to withdraw from everything when I get depressed, which is one of the many reasons why this place has become so important to me.  It's also my reason to embrace the sexuality I had repressed for so long, a reason to draw and create at a point in my life where I thought I had given up on it.

I think loneliness and rejection are at the top of most people's lists when it comes to fear, and it's up to us to decide whether to reach out (and fear pain/rejection) or withdraw (and cope with the inevitable loneliness).  I hope you'll keep reaching out to us. . . you'll always be welcome here.