[rewind83709]

.

This post has been edited by rewind83709: 15 August 2010 - 07:36 AM

[dragoncop]

Well I like what you have so far. now pick your plot murder, kidnapping, or what ever and go. I'll be waiting to see the next part.

[dragoncop]

Yes I do like this. Mosts cops wear long yellow rain coats so they can be seen. I worked in Phx. Az and never had to wear one- you got wet 20 minutes later you were dry.Glad to see you write in the smoking bit most cops still do.

[dragoncop]

Yes while working in a patrol car I was smoking 5 packs aday and my partner I think was smoking more. But I quit cold turkey and haven't lite up in lets just say over 25 years.
Also like how you show the way he has the nightmares they do come with the job.

[Slick Jimmy]

Jordan,

I want you to remember that what I say about your piece is neither an attack on your writing, nor your character. I haven't been harsh, but some people take criticism very poorly, so I wanted to preface my review with those words.

Okay, let's get into it...

rewind83709, on 28 July 2010 - 12:15 AM, said:

Firstly, you need to pick a tense. You write most of this in present tense, IE. speaks, looks, thinks. It is written similarly to a movie script.

Sometimes you slip into a past tense, IE, spoke, looked, thought.

I reiterate, you need to pick a tense, unless there is a reason you are writing in two tenses.

Generally, fiction is written in 1st or 3rd person, past tense, but not always. As long as you know what you are trying to communicate and work within the limitations of your chosen tense then all is fair. Even 2nd person, future tense, but then that would be very prophetic.

I have corrected all the SPaG (That's Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation) errors I found. I am by no means the best editor, but it should give you a place to start.

I have formated it for easier reading on the web, but this should be reformatted for the printed page, with indentation for every paragraph, and dialogue line.

Part one: First It Breathes

The machine had always dreamed of things it could never fully comprehend. Then one day, a new configuration entered its complex, something that carried a strange smell, along with a desire all too familiar.

The machine quickly recognized this being; what some have been known to call...man.
It quickly realised, such a simple being could be used to fulfill its design.

The woman embraced her love. They held each other in their arms. They kissed deeply, and she whispered in his ear,

"I love you."

Suddenly he felt a burning sensation, then quickly his body was engulfed in flames.
The woman backed away quickly in disgust, as the flames stripped away his false shell, and reavealed his true form, a hideous mechanical beast trying to pass itself off as human. She screamed in horror, and the beast made a hideous cry.

"Kathy!"

(Have him calling out her name, or something cryptic that will mean something later in the story.)

Then he woke up.

The darkness of the room helped Detective John Armitage (introduce your character here) to forget what he just experienced. The crack of the thunder outside came closer.

(Was he sleeping then suddenly at the crime scene? You need a segue.)

"Another storm?" He asked, and quickly a bodiless voice answered his question.

"Yes sir." The monitors clicked on, and quickly the room is aluminated all around.

"Poisenous or not?" The man asks.

"I'm afraid you'll have to wear protection over your exposed areas sir." The machine answered.

The man groaned, slowly he rose from his chamber, and made his way to the bathroom. As he walked he couldn't help but limp slightly, and massage at his arm.

"Damn joint," He thought to himself.

He entered the room, opened the cabinet, and grabbed a strange wrench. He sat down, turned on a utility light, and brought his right arm into its radiance. The mechanical limb lay on the (what?) in front of him resting on the counter. He took the wrench to it, and poked at the different nerve joints until he found the source of the pain. The problem lay in a circuit wire tapping against his nerve ending of his clavicle (or rotator cuff.) With a quick adjustment, the pain was gone.

He rose from his sitting position, and went to the mirror. He turned on the lights and beheld his visage. His cyber-eyes stared back at him, analysing the rest of him. Part of his face bore the work of cybernetics, along with his chest, arms and legs. The part that was still human, was slowly being over shadowed (by the mechanical?). He wondered sometimes if he could still be considered human.

Finally, the disembodied voice broke the silence again.

"Sir, you have an urgent call on your private line."

He exits the bathroom, and grabs his phone,

"Patch it through."

He answers it, and a voice comes through.

"Detective John Armitage?"

"Yes." He answers.

"Sir, you are needed in sector thirty-one point six (Or 31.6.) There's been another murder." The voice explains.

"Alright, I'll be there in fifteen." John hangs up.

"Sir, your transportation is ready," The computer tells him. John finishes dressing, grabs the rest of his equipment, and makes his way down to the garage.

The lights in the garage highlights the occupying vehicle, John enters his car. He activates the G.P.S. system. As his car computes its destination route, John opens a data file from his computer, and goes over his notes.

"E, what's the traffic like on the connecter?" He asks his computer.

"Free and moving. I suggest you use caution. The fog from the storm is very thick."

He nods, and takes the controls. "Alright, open the door."

"Yes, sir."

The door opens, the poisenous rain continues to pour all over the city.

"Have a safe trip, sir," the computer replies.

The car moves, and as it exits the wheels reinsert into the car, as it shifts into flight mode, and moves swiftly through the sky.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Part two: The Human Stain

The alley was littered with lights, both blue and red. The officers concealed in their plastic ponchos (or slickers) to shield themselves from the rain, stood around the area trying their best to hide the horror, but the curiousity of the crowd could not be swayed.

John lit up a cigarette as he approuched the alley way. The guards parted as he presented his ID, and he walked into the circus tent. (Circus tent? Is the crime scene at a circus? Is there actually a tent to preserve the crime scene? Or is the area just a circus of activity?)

"Ah, detective." One of the officers called out,

"What do we got?" John asks.

"Deja vu all over again sir." The officer replied.

He shows John over to the body, wrapped in plastic to protect it from the rain. The officer carefully lifts the sheet. John kneels down to get a better look. His eyes do all the work.

"Just about the same I see," John says as he looks over the body.

His eyes zoom in, and highlight the important areas: Fractured jaw, slit throat, dislocated the left arm, and... (ellipses are always three periods) He moves further down the body. And one shattered knee joint.

He quickly covers the body, the officer turns away in disgust,

"Wheres the doc?"

"He's, he's over there by the dumpster."

The officer points off to the side, trying to maintain himself. He can obviously see the officer is spent, and sends him off on a coffee run, even though he doesn't drink the stuff.

He walks over to the good doctor, who is happily sifting through the mud and guck on the ground.

"What you got, doc?"

"Very little blood, very little of anything." Doc anwsers quickly.

John kneels down next to the doc.

"So this body was dumped too."

The doc nods, not needing to say anything more.

"What was taken this time?" John asks.

The Doc, finishes taking what samples he can, and goes back to his truck.

"Let me see," He removes his gloves and looks over his notes, "Uhhhm....The right arm, the right leg below the knee."

"Just the human limbs?" John asks.

"Yes, but also, both the eyes, along with what remaining human organs."

"Jesus," John replies in disgust.

Outside the line John stomps out his cigarette into the pavement. The doctor joins him,

"You okay?"

John sighs, and shakes his head,

"No, Harlen. I'm far from okay."

They stare into the city street at the people milling around, who though not begging to see one of there own laying in a pool of his own filth, they morbidly desire it. John shakes his head in anger.

"Fucking hypocrites!" He growls.

The detective and the doctor walk down the street, as slowly the rain begins to die down.
They make their way to a local bar, littered with many non-cybers, but some individuals were much more so than others. Armitage bellies up at the counter, and orders a glass of scotch, straight up. Harlen joins him, but just has a small glass of brandy. They sip their drinks for awhile, Harlen longs to break the silence, while Armitage just stares into his glass.

"I spoke to Kathy the other day," Harlen says finally.

Armitage slowly puts his drink down,

"She misses you John," Harlen continues, "It's been nearly a year now, why don't you call her?"

Then slowly, John finishes his drink, and orders another. His glass is quickly refilled, he takes a hard drink and replies.

"Because we have nothing to talk about!"

Harlen sighs in frustration, then returns to his drink. John leans away from his drink, and thinks for a bit. He shuts his eyes, and lets his mind wander.

"All I remember is, fire. Fire, and alot of pain."

The fire was everywhere, all around and within (him?).

"Then I heard a scream. It was my own."

A hand held aloft, baring fire, and steel. (Does he do this now, or is it remembered?)

He opens his eyes, and comes back to reality. Harlen notices, and just watches John, curiously. John just leans back into his drink, brings up his hand, slowly, and takes a drink.

"Still having those nightmares?" Harlen asks.

"Yeah," John replies.

"How often?"

"Every night," John answers.

Harlen tries to probe John's mind, but the detective just stares back at him,

"This is neither the time, nor the place for an evaluation, Doc."

Harlen smiles, and they both finish their drinks.

"Back to business as usual, right?" Harlen replies.

This is not bad. It's rough, and I would change it all to past tense, but overall it's pretty good. The dialogue is alright. It's terse, but it gets the point across.

I think you might want to read some hardboiled detective, noir, and crime stories, to get a flavor of the genre, as you mix it with the cyberpunk stuff. Authors like Mickey Spillane, Dashiell Hammett Elmore Leonard, etc.

Check out these sights as a start.

http://www.crimecult...ard-Boiled.html

http://www.detnovel.com/

http://www.hardcasecrime.com/

http://www.vintageli...d-detective.php



Research is part of being a writer, and it also helps with inspiration when you get blocked.

The most important thing you must do for readability with your prose is to format it for reading in the first place. You have blocks of text with mixed dialogue, and it gets confusing as to who is speaking. Delineate who is talking at all time, so you do not confuse your readers.

I change a bit of your vocabulary here and there, but not much over all. You could do with a couple of passes on your language, adding some more erudite words. This will give you a bit more in style, but don't get over wordy. Keep your style crisp and sharp, and keep the narrative moving right along.

So, there is some editorial and critiquing. Do more and I'll give that a pass too. Just PM me when you post it.

Nice work, Jordan.

Jimmy Out.

This post has been edited by Slick Jimmy: 09 August 2010 - 10:05 PM

[Slick Jimmy]

Jordan,

This is usually what a fairly good bit of feedback looks like. I'm not sure what you wanted then. Did you want me just to tell you what I thought? My overall impressions? Until the piece is finished, I can't make a complete assessment.

Anyway, it's a good start on a story. If you want pointers on where to take it, then I'd have to see a general outline.

But whatever...

Keep at it in any event.

Jimmy Out.

[Elysium Bliss]

I have to agree with Jimmy on this Rewind. It is crucial to stick to a particular tense as jumping from one to another gets confusing and/or pulls one out of the story. I found myself many times trying to get submersed into this adventure but always getting distracted or pulled out of it because of the lack of a consistent tense. This is something easily remedied as Jimmy has shown and explained.

I did however find the dialogue and narration good, not great, not horrendous, but good, almost very good. Characterization is important and though I am starting to get a better picture on John he doesn't seem fully fleshed out yet. Why does he have so many cyborg implants? How long has he been a Detective? What's his history with the Doc? Is he a good cop? Is he a good man? All I know is that he has nightmares, he is part machine, and he looks at dead bodies, and he's pretty grumpy about life for one reason or another, but those reasons are what's going to get me and everyone else invested in his character. Some of the traits he has (Smoking, severe pain, nightmares) are pretty nice and are making him a person with flaws and more human so kudos on that.

I'm not the type of person who needs to be told every tiny description in the narration and in fact I tend to get bored when a story does fall into that archetype, so it was nice to have room to let my imagination build this world and I did. The pale muted colors, the wet grimy alleys, the steamy poisonous night all mingled with what you provided to give me a pretty complete picture. However some of the corrections and advice Jimmy provided are really something to keep in mind as it is sound advice and if you noticed the additions only enhanced the story not taken away from it or made it redundant. Don't be afraid to take the help when offered because not everyone will offer and then you will be wondering why nobody comments or voices an opinion. Just keep that in mind and good job on the story thus far!!!