[Elysium Bliss]

Daddy Issues works better and it's a bit more playful in my opinion.

Okay Rewind, you've asked for my opinion on your story and I'm gonna give it to you. I really enjoyed the concept and the overall storyline. It was an amusing romp and play on the good old "fuck the boss for a job" scenario. You pulled it off pretty good however there were times in the narrative where I felt pulled out of the story but that could just be my personal tastes talking. I enjoy a good flowing narrative. The story's own narrative felt just there to push the next scene along instead of seamlessly bridging into the next.

You might also want to refrain from adding your personal notes into the storyline as it will distract significantly. You're trying to envelop the reader into this world and everytime you mention how your computer sucks or you have to end it you've just yanked them back out with force. Relax. don't be afraid to cut your story in half in fact that leads me to my next suggestion.

The pacing of the story seamed off to me. Like it dragged on a bit to long. With your next adventure try and reread your work and examine what are the most crucial elements of your story. What "HAS" to be in there and what can go without impacting the story. I would have trimmed away a lot of the posing bits and gone into the sex. Now while those scenes are entertaining in themselves they just make the whole drag on. Maybe a pose or two at first, then she gets shy, Jon reassures her for one more pose and work your way into the sex. Remember you have to keep your reader interested, you have to keep them from losing their attention.

Make your characters interesting. Yeah I might get crap for this because my female brain and all but I wanna care about the characters. Give them quirky personality traits. Maybe Bianca chews on her hair when she's nervous, maybe she giggles, who knows. My point is to invest in your characters. Stephen King once said something about how a good writer should know everything about their character right down to how much change they had in their pocket. These characters are who we're rooting for, who we identify with, who we wanna have sex with. If they're dull, if they lack substance they don't seem real, they don't make one aroused. it just becomes an instruction manual with people in it. Character A inserts into character B. LOL!!!

What you did manage to do a good job with was the dialogue. Jon (by the way try and make your own characters, don't use JonJerryCream, gives you more freedom) felt like a sleazeball because of his dialogue. Bianca (who personally I think should have just barely turned 18, trust me it makes a difference with readers) while a little lacking in the personality still came off as the innocent virgin girl unsure of herself and that was all because of your dialog. Which reminds me. I wouldn't have Bianca catch on that she was being seduced. that innocence of hers feels tarnished afterwards. She should be a bit naive.

So in conclusion you still need work, but that's not to say you aren't delivering on the good stuff and you aren't learning. Stick with it. Like artists each picture is just another experience to learn. I give this a B-

[rewind83709]

Thanks again Bliss, u know i really do appreciate your opinion on this subject. Sometimes I can't help but add those liner notes, its just how i see it in my head, so it has to be there to help with the image, when really it just distracks the reader. for some reason as i was writing, i just had an image of JonJerryCream, but not the same person you know?
I tried really hard to be a better teller as apposed to what i did with my first story, where as a quick description here and then next scene in the next sentence. But thanks for the high rating, that makes me feel better.
right now im actually writing a story idea for silent hill, (not a porn story.)
after we were talking so much about silent hill last night it got my brain going. right noww im working on the monsters, i can't draw unfortunatly, but it sounds pretty good to me though.

well anyway, thanks again, maybe ill submit another one soon, till then ill see u on the chat, bye.