[rewind83709]

I'm not sure if the best place to place this story, but I figure why not allow the people to view it and place there opinion. It tells the story of a foreign exchange student moving in with an American family, and discovering a whole new world. Not much incest, maybe alittle.....later. But beautiful normal people, featuring voyurism, masterbation, HOT hand/blow jobs, three somes, lesbian seduction, and HOT and spicy sex!

Characters:
Bianca-The exchange student:Begins being very innocent, and shy. She is 17, she has long dark hair, a size B chest, you know perfect. She has a thick accent, I'm not sure what type, maybe russian, but just something sexy.

Johnny-The son:He's a year younger than Bianca, and the first time he sees her, he is hopelessly in love with her. Like myself he's quiet, he has a bit of a speach impediment, (He is constantly imberresed by it.) but he's a sweet funny kid.

Jennifer-The daughter:Shes the same age as Bianca, a typical american girl. She's just a beautiful as Bianca, but shes very self concious about her body.

Douglas-The father/husband:A kind and loveing father, loves his kids, and his wife. He makes his living as Jewler in jewlery store.

Kate-The wife/mother:A smoking hot blond haird milf. Like her husband loves her kids and Doug, but she is very career orriented. She works as a realistate agent.

Book one:Welcome to America!
Bianca meets her new family, and we are introduced to her and the rest of the family. She experiences her first day as an American:She goes to school, (Where she meets everyones friends and quicky makes some of her own. Plot note:We meet two important characters here, Randy, Johns best friend, and Noel, Jenns best friend. We'll talk about them later.) Anyway, Bianca then goes with Jen and the girls to the mall, than has a family dinner.
Afterward she get ready for bed. She goes to take a shower, and we see John spying on her. From watching her strip, bath, wash, and re-dress. Later, Bianca is walking down the hall to her bedroom, and suddenly spies Johnny masterbating on his bed! She watches for awhile, and hears him call out her name when he orgasums! She fells so sympathic, and turnded on by this that she decides go in give Johnny, "a hand."
At first Johnny is imberresed, and shocked, but Bianca tells him its okay.

Bianca:"Its okay." (I don't know how you write a russian accent?)
"I know you like me Johnny, it's okay, I, like you too." (She says with a seductive smile.)

She sits next to him, she lightly touchs him on his shoulders, and slowly rubs him. They stare into each others eyes, slowly she moves her hands to his chest, and lightly plays with his nipples. Jonny bites his lower lip in excitment, as does Bianca, then they kiss. It just starts as innocent kisses than slowly they begin to make out. Finally she works her hands down to his crotch, and pulls out his cock.
Johnny moans, Bianca brings up her hands, and wets them with her tounge and slowly begins jerking him of.
Johnny moans more.

Bianca:"Do you like tha baby?"

Johnny:"Yeah."

Bianca:"Does that feel good?"

Johnny:"Oh yeah." (She starts jerking him off harder and playing with his balls. The whole time Johnny is tugging on his bed sheet, and trying to be quiet.)

Bianca:"Are you going to cum for me baby?"

Johnny:"Oh god Bianca, I'm gonna cum soon!"

Bianca:"I want you to cum for me baby."

(She keeps jerking him off, and playing with his balls. Then finally!)

Johnny:"Oh, God, Bianca I'm CUMMING!" (Before he shoots, Bianca wraps her mouth around his cock, and takes his load, and swallows it.)

Johnny can't beleave she did that, he's only seen that in the movies. She just smiles, and says.

Bianca:"How was that for you baby?"

Johnny just smiles big, nods his head, and says.

Johnny:"That was amazing Bianca. I hope we can do that again sometime."

She smiles, and they kiss some more, fade out, end.

Okay guys be harsh, be honest, what do you think? I've already written up to book five, so let me know if I should even continue.

[Elysium Bliss]

Don't ever defile my eyes with putrid waste such as that again!!! Actually I'm just teasing you Rewind. As for your story it could use a bit of work but nothing to extreme. I'd definitely try working on your narrative, giving it more of a flow rather than a bland descriptive. Oh and usually translated languages at least in comic scripts tend to use the asterisk. * (* translated from Russian) Other than that it was a quick entertaining romp!!!

[rewind83709]

Thanks for your honesty, and like I said I'm not a professional writer, and I don't know how to write dialog. I know where and how I want the story and characters to go, I just don't really know how to do it. What would you do differently, I read your comic idea, and it was really good as I mentioned earlier. So clearly you know what your talking about. (I'm not being sarcastic.)

By the way, I nearly had a heart attack from reading your first sentence. It felt like an arrow in my heart, wait, I don't have a heart! (LOL!!!)
Thanks again.

This post has been edited by rewind83709: 12 May 2010 - 05:47 AM

[Elysium Bliss]

It depends. Are you writing this as a script? Or are you writing this as an actual story? Both have very different styles while one is a narration the other is just scripted dialogue with personal notes and panel layouts. My story was an example of a script. Check around the writers section and pick up a few ideas, try writing in both formats. It might help you decide which is easier for you!!!

[rewind83709]

Thanks again, usually I have to wait a day or so to get a response from someone on here. But I guess it depends on whos watching. I suppose, I prefer to write just the narrative side of the story, and just little bits of dialog, especially if its something specific. To make things worse Im writing this right now on a computer so bad I actually have to wait at least several seconds for what I just wrote to appeare before I can move on, so I can check for spelling errors and ect.

Thanks for the feed back again.

[JKR666]

Moved to the Writer's Corner.

[rewind83709]

Thanks for the move JKR. Like I said before, I wasn't sure if this was even worth placing in here, or any where. So what should I do now? Should I re-write and just be more in depth on everything? Or should I stop now? Tell me what you guys think.

[JKR666]

Well.. this is the Writing Corner. And this is your podium. You're free to post your stories here and comment on other people's stories.

As for the story, believe it or not, I'm not really into underage sex. Bianca seems too slutty for my taste as well. Otherwise, nice story.

[rewind83709]

Well in that regard, isn't Julia and Sharona underage as well? What about Wong? He looks like he's....twelve! And you think shes too slutty?! Really? Huh. Oh well thats opinion, if I really wanted her to be slutty, I would of had her bang the whole family in the first book. Then again, that might have made this comic better?
Now Im wondering if I should just change the story completely. How about this, I'll write up some ideas on what should happen next for the next story, and you guys tell me what would be better?

Should Bianca:A-Have a chat with her new daddy about the birds and the bees, and he decides to deminstrate?

Or-How about Bianca and her new mommy go to a spa, and get some extra special attention, and it turns into a foursome?

Go for the stars-Turns out, Bianca has a cock, and reveals herself to be the ultimate sexual being! And she/it gives herself to the entire family! (Perhaps to far.)

What do you guys think?

[JKR666]

Let's not get too defensive here. This isn't about the other comics, this is about this story.. and I've said my two cents.

[jaded_blue]

rewind83709, on 13 May 2010 - 06:23 PM, said:

Or-How about Bianca and her new mommy go to a spa, and get some extra special attention, and it turns into a foursome?

I'm leaning towards this one... although... the cock... that would be classic. Oh damn. I can't choose! Surprise us!

[rewind83709]

JKR666, on 14 May 2010 - 06:45 AM, said:

Let's not get too defensive here. This isn't about the other comics, this is about this story.. and I've said my two cents.

Sorry I didn't mean anything by my reply, I was just making a comparisone, (I can't spell) to what you said. I just thought it was funny. But I wont push it, I don't wanna start a fight. I was planning to write some more, but I havent been feeling to well for the last couple of days, and this crappy computer is driving me crazy! The funny thing is it only slows down, when Im here?! It will be nice when Im home, and I can go back to uing my PS3, I just hate typing on a controller.
Currently Im pre-ocupied on writing a sci-fi story, and my allergiy problem I seem to be having. I wish I could upload some pics I made from some years ago, there not adult realated though, I would just like to get someone elses opinion on it. I'm gonna stop babling now, I gotta go now, bye.

[jaded_blue]

Your work does not have to be adult related to share it... a lot of us like many other things besides sex.. that's just usually one of the BEST things.

[rewind83709]

How true, the problem is I dont know how to upload a picture onto a site like this. I actually have a friend of mine re-fining some sketches I gave him, that I did myself some years ago, hopefully when they're ready I can share them.
I did come up with another story idea, for Bianca.

It's during summer break, and our dear girl needs to find a job. She reads through the news paper untill she finds something that catches her eye, "Models wanted, $100. dollars an hour, call Jon." Bianca thinks to her self, "Me, a model." She pretends to pose, and imagines her self walking down the runway, flash bulbs going off, everyone screaming her name. "Bianca, Bianca!" She smiles big, and doesn't even think twice, she grabs the portable phone and immediatly dials the number in the paper.

Bianca:(Trying to maintain her excitement) "Hello, I'm calling about the modeling add?" (She listens to the person on the other end.) "Uh, huh." (She grabs a sheet of paper and a pen and preceds to write down an address.) "Yes, I know where that is. No this afternoon sound perfect. Okay, thank you, good bye." (She hangs up.)

She can't hold her excitement, she starts jumping and screaming!

Bianca:"I'M GONNA BE A MODEL! I'M GONNA BE A MODEL! Ohh what should I wear?"

3pm, Bianca arrives by cab to her destination. Before she steps out, she checks her make up, and adjustes her outfit. (Shes wereing her school girl uniform, but the skur is alittle short, and shes wereing her hair in a pony tail.)
She checks to make sure she has the right address. Yep thats it. She pays her fair, takes a deep breath, and heads in. Bianca enters the waiting room, and notices a lot of beautiful young women are here too. She sees a secretary sitting across the room, Bianca checks with her.

Secretary:"Yes ma'am, what can I do for you?" (She says sounding rather tired and bored)

Bianca:(Rather nervous) "Yes, hello, my name is Bianca, I called about the modeling add?"

Secretary:"You and everyone else here honey." (She adjustes her glasses and checks her list.)
"Yeah, here you are, for 3pm?"

Bianca:"Yes!" (She answers quickly.)

Secretary:"Alright, well just take a seat over there, and we'll call your name, when we're ready." (She motions to the chairs against the wall.)

Bianca takes a seat and waits patiently. Ten minutes go by, and the door behind the secretary opens. Out steps a gorgious young blond women, she wipes her mouth and adjusts her top and leaves, strutten. Finaly Jon steps out. (I was thinking the same guy who appeared in Ay papi, or if you prefere a different Jon) He adjusts his pants, Bianca becomes rather curious as to what kind o modeling these firls are going for?
Jon quickly checks with his secretary, and reads the next name off the list.

Jon:"Bianca!"

Bianca:(Quickly answers) "Right here!" (She raises her hand, smiles, and waves frantically)

The instant Jon sees her a big smile comes over his face, as does a big boner in his jeans!

Jon::(Thinking to him self) "Ohh, this is gonna be a good day."
"Well cum on in little lady." (He ushers her in, and whispers to his secretary) "I think I just found our newest star"

Bianca enters a room, with lots of lighting, theres a desk, but acrss from it is a bed with a black back drop. She feel s alittle confused, but just shus it off, thinking. "Maybe he lives here?"
Jon follows and the door quickly shuts behind him. This frightens Bianca.

Jon:"Sorry about that, don't be nervous, take a seat." (He gestures to the bed.)

Bianca sits at the edge of the bed, while Jon takes a seat behind his desk.

Jon:"Is this your first time modeling sweet heart?"

Bianca nods, holding her hands together.

Jon:"Really, a beautiful girl like you has never modeled before?"

Bianca blushes, and bites her lower lip.

Jon:"Well don't worry honey, we'll go nice and slow. Now first I have to ask you afew simple questions, okay?"

Bianca:"Okay."

Jon:"Are you eighteen?"

Bianca:"Yes." (She lies.)

Jon:"Okay, are you a virgin?"

Bianca blushes again.

Jon:"I'll take that as a yes." (He smiles,and thinks to him self) "Nothing better than breaking in a virgin."
(He continues) "Alright, now, are comfertable with nudity?"

Bianca gets confused again, but just puts it out of mind.

Bianca:"Yes, I suppose."

Jon:"Okay, good. Now what I'd like to do first is just get some taste full shots of you okay. Are yo ready?" (Jon pull sout his camera.)

Bianca nods in excitement.

Jon:"Well alright, why don't you step in front of this back drop I got here, and we'll get started?"

Bianca:"Okay!" (She steps away from the bed, and joins Jon in front of the back drop.)

Jon:"Okay, now lets just start simply okay. Just give me a good profile, alright."

Bianca doesn't know what that means, so she just turns to one side, and smiles.

Jon:(Looking rather confused him self.) "Wow, you never have done this before?"

Bianca frowns, and shrugs.

Bianca:"I'm sorry sir, I'm just so nervous."

Jon just waves it off.

Jon:"Its okay honey, I'll help you." (He sets his camera down, and walks over to her.) "Here, like this." (He turns her forward, towards the camera. Turns her head to one side, leans her back, and puts her hands on her hips. He steps back.) "Perfect, now ust hold that pose." (Quickly he snatches his camera, and starts snapping away)
"Okay, thats nice, now turn your back to me."

I have to stop now because this piece of shit is starting to delet everything I'm writing!!!!!!

[rewind83709]

Alright lets see if i can finish this.

Bianca stands in various other poses, then Jon walks over to her.

Jon:"Is it okay if you take this down?" (He refers to her pony tail.)

She nods, and lets her hair down, it flows freelly. She looks even HOTTER now. Jon's eyes widen, and his jaw drops slightly. He imgaines what it would be like to fuck a hot piece of ass like that. He quickly shakes the thought from his head, and gets back to work. Slowly Bianca begins posing in various sexy and seductive stances.

Jon:"Okay, turn your back to me, look at me, now bend over."

Bianca does, and Jon shoots a few pics.

Jon:"Oh thats very sexy honey."

Bianca smiles and blushes.

Jon:"Okay, now sped your legs apart, and put your head between your legs, and keep looking at me."

She does this as well, still blushing.

Jon:"Very nice."

Jon continues taking pics of Bianca, slowly working into more exotic poses.

Jon:"Okay Bianca, looking very good honey, now, I'd like you to lose the top."

Bianca, is alittle shocked.

Bianca:"My top?"

Jon:"You said you were okay with nudity?"

Bianca:"Yeah, I did." (She says nervous)

Jon:"Well you wanna be a model, you gotta do nudity."

Bianca:"Okay." (Still alittle nervous, she takes off her shirt, reavealing her bra.)

Jon:"Okay thats a good start. Now lets lose the skurt."

Bianca:"Okay." (She starts getting really scared.) "I, don't, think....."

Jon sees shes getting scared, and trys to reashure her. He walks over to her.

Jon:"Hey, hey, honey its okay. Look....Bianca," (He takes hold of her hands) "Bianca, you have nothing to be scared of. Just relax." (He touches her head.) "Just breathe."

Bianca inhales deep, and exhales big.

Jon:"Just breathe. Now relax." (He touches her face) "I'll take good care of you." (Then he kisses her.)

Bianca is really confused, and kind of turned on. Jon rubs her shoulders.

Jon:"Okay."

Bianca:(Now alittle more relaxed) "Okay."

Jon kisses her again, and goes back to his camera. Bianca now realises whats going here. She knows now that shes being seduced, but she kind of like it. She pulls her skurt down slowly, very slowly. When it hits her feet, she tooses it, (By her foot) at Jon. He catches it, smiles at her, tosses her skurt aside and takes more pics. He thinks to him self, "I am the MAN."
After a few more sexy and very relaxed photos.

Jon:"Alright Bianca, why don't we move over to the bed?" (He motions to the bed.)

Bianca just smiles, (Very seductive like.) and slowly strolls over to the bed. She crawls onto the bed, her back, (Or ass) to Jon she turns and smiles again.

Jon:"Oh thats very good Bianca, very sexy." (He takes more photos.)

Bianca:"Like this." (She faces forward, towards him, still on her knees and smiles.)

Jon:"Yeah just like that honey." (With a big smile on his face.)

Bianca lays on her side, strokes her leg, her chest, and her ass. Jon's eyes widen and he's practicly drooling at this sight.

Jon:"Ohhhh, thats very sexy baby."

Bianca:"You like that baby?"

Jon:"Oh yeah, thats perfect, very sexy." (His bulgd has gotten harder and bigger.) "Okay honey, lets see your birthday suit."

Bianca:"Okay." (She sits up on her kness, and slowly takes off her bra. The whole time teasing him, just the way Jon like it. She removes her bra and tosses it a side.)

Jon thinks to him self, "Oh those are real." Bianca's breasts are a size B, or C, just very nice and natural.
Now, the moment of truth. She slowly pulls down her panties, and reveals her virgin pink pussy. theres a little hair, but other wise shes hairless. Jon nearly jizzes in his pants from seeing it. He thinks, "I can't even remember when was the last time I've even spoken to a true boneified virgin."
Biana tosses her panties at his feet. Jon grabs em, fighting the urge to smell them, he drops them behind him.

Jon:"Okay beautiful, let me see you spread those sexy legs for me."

Bianca spreads her legs, WIDE, and lifts them behind her head. Jon is flabergated! Jon thinks, "I think I'm in love." Bianca just keeps smiling, and sees his huge boner, and thinking to her self, "I hope he plans on fucking me with that soon, my pussy is soaking wet right now."
Jon takes one last picture, and puts the camera away. Bianca wonders if its over, then Jon grabs a cam corder. Again she smiles. Jon walks toward the bed.

Jon:"Bianca, do you wanna be a star?"

Bianca smiles and nods, slowly Jon unzips his pants, and pulls out his hard 8 inch cock.

Jon:"Heres your ticket baby."

Bianca crawls towards Jon, smiling, and slowly opens her mouth, and takes his entire cock into her mouth.
Jon moans, as Bianca slides his cock in and out of her mouth, and even deep throating him.

Jon:"Oh god damn, you've done this before haven't you?"

Bianca:(Smiles and looks up at him) "Just because I'm a virgin, doesn't mean I don't know how to suck cock." (Then she goes back for more.)

She sucks, jerks him off for a few minutes, and even sucks his balls. by this time Jon is naked too. Soon it looks like Jon is about to blow his load. He pulls his cock away.

Jon:(Trying to cach his breath, and hold his load back.) "God damn honey, nobody has ever blown me that good."

Bianca:(Blushes) "Really?"

While John holds firm on his cock trying to stop him self from cumming, Bianca wets her hand, and lightly starts playing with her self. Jon isn't blind to this, his cock blood red hard.

Bianca:"You gonna fuck me with that big thing?"

Jon:"Very soon honey, but first I gotta get a taste of that virgin pussy of yours." (Jon sets the camera on a trypod, sets it up to make sure it can get everything. Then he turns back towards the bed and practickly lunges at Bianca. He licks and sucks her neck.)

Bianca moans in enjoment, he works his way down and kisses and sucks on her nipples.
She squels at that.

Bianca:"Oh go." (She moans) "Nobodies ever done that to me."

Jon:"I can't beleave nobodies ever tasted this sweet body of yours." (He teases her nips, nibbles, sucks and litly twists.)

Bianca lets a loud moan, she likes it. The finally on works his way down, kissing every inch of her body untill he gets to her pussy. He opens her legs, takes in a good wiff.

Jon:"God I love the smell of teenage pussy." (He gives it a good long lick from the bottom to the top.)

Bianca shivers and moans. Jon continues tasting, and soon inserts his toung in her pussy. Bianca lets out another loud moan.

Bianca:"Oh my god! That feels so good baby!"

Jon keep s slurping away, and even slowly starts licking her ass hole too. Bianca is shocked.

Bianca:"No not there, thats gross."

Jon just looks up at her, and smiles.

Jon:"Baby, your ass isn't gross, its delicious." (And he goes back down to licking both her pussy and her asshole. Switching between one or the other.)

Bianca:(Really begining to enjoy it) "Oh, god, Jon, thats feel so good."

Jon:(Quickly looks up) "I want you to call me daddy baby!"

Bianca:(Smiles at how nasty Jon is) "You really want me to call you daddy?"

Jon:"Yeah baby."

Bianca:"Okay, daddy. Oh daddy, eat my pussy and my asshole."

Jon keeps working down there, then he brings up his index finger, and his middle finger, gets them nice and wet and slowly inserts one into her pussy, and the other in her asshole. Bianca moans louder.

Bianca:"OHHHH! Oh my god, daddy, your finger is in my butt-hole! OHHHHH, AHHHHHH!"

Finally after another minute or two of this. Jon looks up at her and points his hard cock at her pussy.

Jon:"You ready baby?"

Bianca:(Now trying to catch her breath) "Yeah, give it to me daddy!"

He smiles and nods, he pulls out a condom, (Always excersise safe sex.) slips it on, and slowly penatrates her. First the head, Bianca quivers, slowly Jon works in his shaft. Bianca holds onto his sholders, and fianlly Jon goes balls deep!

Bianca:"OHHHHHHH!"

Jon thinks to him self, "Damn, she really is a virgin." Jon slowly works his way in and out afew times, untill shes used to it. She quivers, and clenches her teeth.

Jon:(Looks her in the eyes) "Are you okay?"

Bianca grabs, and kisses him deeply.

Bianca:"Fuck me daddy!"

They go at it, Jon pounds her in missionary for a while, and she loves it.

Jon:"Here, flip over for me baby." (He directs her into doggy style, and slowly re-insters his cock.)

Bianca moans like a whore. Afew times Jon teases her, by pulling it all the way out, litly putting it back in. Then pulling it out and shoving it all the way back it. She fucking LOVES IT! He continues pounding her, pulling on her hair slightly, but she loves every moment of it.
Then Jon stops suddenly.

Bianca:(Confused) "Whats wrong, whyd you stop?"

Jon thinks for a second, then leans in close to her ear, and whispers.

Jon:"Is it okay, if I fuck your ass?"

Bianca is alittle shocked, thinks about for a split second.

Bianca:"Yes, daddy, you can fuck my virgin ass."

Jon smiles, he lubricates her ass, and goes slowly, not wanting to hurt her. Till finally he's in.
Bianca yelps slightly in pain and pleasure at the same time. Jon looks to see if she wants him to stop, catching her breath. She just looks at him, smiles, and nods. He continues, slow at first then slowly builds up speed. He goes harder and harder, and shes moaning louder, and louder. This goes for alittle while longer.

Jon:"Turn over for me, one last time baby."

He flips Bianca back onto her back, and fucks her some more.

Jon:"I wanna see your beautiful face when you cum."

Bianca: (smiles) "Your gonna make me cum daddy?"

Jon:"I want you to cum for me baby!"

Bianca:"Oh, yeah, daddy make me cum!"

They go at it a while longer.

Bianca:(She screams) "OH GOD, I'm CUMMING!!!" (She cums, not exaggerated, just a sexy female orgasm.)

Then Jon pulls out, ripps off the condom, and crawls up to Bianca's face.

Jon:"Take your daddys load baby!" (He jerks off onto her face and shoots his load on her pretty face. Very sexy!)

Bianca happily takes his load, tastes it, smears it around, and sucks more out from his cock. (Not an exaggerated cum shot either, pretty normal.)
Finally exhausted, Jon collapses next to Bianca. They lay there for awhile, covered in both there own and each others sweat and cum. Finally Jon turns and says.

Jon:"Okay, you got the job."

Bianca:(Smiles, that sexy smile of hers) "Thank you, daddy." (The end)

Now I'm wondering if I should change the title to, "Daddy issues." But hows this? Any better I hope?
Let me know, bye.